Why Are You Staying?
May 6, 2018
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Why Are You Staying?
I was asked this question yesterday in my office. I’m sure others have wondered and a few have asked.
Christian and Mackenzie are two brilliant lights in the universe that reflect God’s love in such a powerful way. They are two joys gifted to us from God. To say that their leaving home is not ripping our hearts out would be a lie. Larry and I love them fiercely and treasure every moment we have with them.
In fact, despite this being the incredibly crazy month of May with DP Exams, the senior retreat, and graduation, I’m sitting here on the Middle School retreat…because they are here. I don’t want to miss one moment.
So why would Larry and I stick around TCIS after they’re gone? It’s a complicated reason, but I will attempt to share it here.
But first, we have to go back in time…
Chuseok, September 2016. Chuseok is Korean Thanksgiving. This particular year we had flown to Guam for the first time as a family. It’s a beautiful island with great food.
We enjoyed our time there, but we knew that when we returned, we had a decision to make…a one-year or a two-year contract? Living internationally, we actually have to plan our lives three years in advance. We sign in September (second month of the school year) for the next one or two school years. We have to think way ahead.
We really considered a one-year contract. Leave when Christian and Mackenzie graduate. Go back to the States to at least be closer to them.
Yet, as we prayed, there was no peace. I prayed a lot. I would say that I prayed as much or almost as much as I did about the contract renewal after my father passed away. Many people told me after my father died that my mom needed me and that I should move back. I prayed and prayed. God made it clear that it was not His plan.
It hurt not to be there for Mom, but she knew that I was following God’s will. She was a faithful woman, and to say she didn’t miss us would be untrue. She missed us every day. But, she knew that we were following God’s plan, and although she would want us to be with her, she would NOT want us to turn from the path God had for us.
Back to Guam, I just couldn’t feel peace at signing a one-year contract. I had no idea why. I told Larry how I felt one day near the end of our trip. He had been praying, and he felt the exact same way. It was decided. A two-year contract, a contract that would end one year after the kids graduate.
I felt instant peace. I did not know what God had planned, but I trusted.
Over the past two years, as we’ve done all of the ‘lasts’, the last (and only) Grade 11 retreat, the last volleyball season, the last basketball season, the last band concert, and the last day of class where I would teach my own children, there have been so many tears. But also joy. If it wasn’t so wonderful, it wouldn’t be so sad to let go of, right?
But, at the start of this year, a huge curve ball. Larry’s Dad, who seemed to be in much better health than my mom who had come off of life support twice, went into the hospital. Larry went back to Florida right after Christian and Mackenzie’s senior year began.
And then, the surprise…his Dad went downhill quickly. It was so unexpected. In an incredibly short period of time, Larry’s Dad was gone, and Christian, Mackenzie, and I were headed to Florida. We landed in Florida, post-hurricane with no electricity at Larry’s mom’s house.
The next 62 hours were a blur and then we found ourselves back on a plane to Korea. It was a hard trip, and we all felt keenly the loss of Grandpa Wade.
Dropping back into Korea, life went back into fast forward…especially since we had missed an entire week.
Two days after Christian and Mackenzie’s 18th birthday in late November, I would find out that my heart, like my mom’s, defaults to a heart eurythmia. Stress-related. Apparently my brain sends a signal too early, and my nervous system fires too soon and hits the heart in the wrong place, causing an eurythmia.
Moderate exercise and mild medication were the prescribed treatment. Over the next month, it seemed I was getting better, but stress clearly triggered my heart.
And, then, January 7, 2018, just four months after Grandpa Wade, my mom passed away. Once again, I would hop on a plane to Florida. This time, I would be alone and my family would follow in a few days.
While I am so grateful for all of the ‘extra’ time I had had with mom, getting her back not once but twice off life support, it was hard to know she was gone. A woman with so much love and light in her is missed. No matter how happy I am that she is rejoicing in heaven, I miss her hugs, her smile, her “Gail” said with such joy, and her sweet “I love you forever” words.
Yet, as I worked in her apartment, helped prepare the picture boards for the funeral, and cried with family and friends, I was doing well.
And then midnight, on January 10…Larry called. Their flight was cancelled. They wouldn’t be in for the viewing the next day. I told them it was okay and that God was with me. I told them that if they couldn’t’ come, it would be okay.
I told myself it was okay.
But then I couldn’t sleep. Jet lag, grief, worry about getting Mom’s apartment done and then hurrying back to Korea. Stress. I couldn’t sleep. If I couldn’t sleep then I couldn’t be superwoman and help my brother and sister-in-law get mom’s apartment cleaned out and be there to support my mother-in-law, Becky, who was still grieving the loss of her spouse. I couldn’t be strong through the pain. And then it happened. I triggered.
When my heart goes into eurythmia, I become pretty much incapacitated. If I try to do much, I run the risk of a heart attack.
So, I went out and told Becky that morning, I messaged my friends to pray, and then I went to sleep. I stayed in bed most of the day only getting up to eat the lunch Becky made for me.
I stayed in bed all day, praying that God’s will be done in regard to my family. If they weren’t going to make it, I was going to trust God to give me strength.
God did give me strength and I went to the viewing that night. I acted as normal as possible, grieving the loss of my mom, crying with those who cried, soaking up every word that friends shared about mom. It was a beautiful evening.
Larry, Christian, and Mackenzie were on their way. They would get in 2 hours before the funeral was set to start. My dear friend and sister-in-law, Eileen, offered to pick them up and bring them halfway, and my dear friend, Julie’s, step-Dad offered to bring them the rest of the way, because they were both worried about me being able to drive in my condition. God provided.
My family rolled in at 9:00am, I pressed some of their clothes, and we rolled out and were at the church by 10:00am for the funeral.
Amazing. God gives us what we need in the time we need it.
So, what does all of that have to do with us staying?
I cannot imagine that in the middle of helping our children transition to college and America after 15 years in Korea, losing a most-beloved father and grandfather, and losing a most-beloved mother and grandma, that Larry and I would be able to sell everything we own here, look for new jobs, and transition ourselves after 15 years living here in Korea.
God knew that it was not the time. He had a plan. And it was good!
I would not be able to sit here in Taechon Beach, Korea, looking out over the ocean knowing that He has it all under control. I would be running around and certainly not stopping to enjoy this retreat where my kids are volunteering.
God knows what I need, and He always knows what lies ahead. I can’t see the future, but I know it is in His hands.
So while I cried in a coffee shop writing the beginning of this post, I sit here rejoicing by the ocean as I finish.
What about Christian and Mackenzie? They are so ready. They are grieving, too. But isn’t that beautiful? That these two teenagers love mom and dad and our life together that they are sad to leave us? Isn’t that the way we would want it? Rather than them being anxious to get as far away from us as possible, isn’t it awesome that they love their mom and dad that much?
And, as for their transition to America, God has provided a family who loves them and considers them family. God placed the Hill family here in Korea for a brief two years. Although it was an incredibly short time, God gave us life-long friends who love our children and have offered their home as a ‘home-away-from-home’. When American Thanksgiving rolls around, our kids do not have to sit alone in a dorm or restaurant, they have a family that will include them. When tough times hit, they have a family willing to be there for them.
As a mom I could not ask for a better place for my kids to be than a top-notch Christian university surrounded by people who love them and are ready to help them boldly walk into adulthood.
I cannot be more blessed, and I thank God that He had a plan for their entire lives, not just the last two.
God, Your ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:9). You know the future, you have a plan, and it is good (Jeremiah 29:11). I praise you that you have blessed Larry and me with two of the most wonderful children that we could ever ask for. They have had such rich experiences their lives, and we have gotten to experience incredible moments with them that we will always treasure. I praise You that You knew that we needed to be grounded this year, not uprooting our lives, so that we could enjoy these final months with Christian and Mackenzie in our home.
Thank You, Heavenly Father. I praise You with a heart overflowing with love and thankfulness, and I know that every good and perfect gift is from above! (James 1:17)
I was asked this question yesterday in my office. I’m sure others have wondered and a few have asked.
Christian and Mackenzie are two brilliant lights in the universe that reflect God’s love in such a powerful way. They are two joys gifted to us from God. To say that their leaving home is not ripping our hearts out would be a lie. Larry and I love them fiercely and treasure every moment we have with them.
In fact, despite this being the incredibly crazy month of May with DP Exams, the senior retreat, and graduation, I’m sitting here on the Middle School retreat…because they are here. I don’t want to miss one moment.
So why would Larry and I stick around TCIS after they’re gone? It’s a complicated reason, but I will attempt to share it here.
But first, we have to go back in time…
Chuseok, September 2016. Chuseok is Korean Thanksgiving. This particular year we had flown to Guam for the first time as a family. It’s a beautiful island with great food.
We enjoyed our time there, but we knew that when we returned, we had a decision to make…a one-year or a two-year contract? Living internationally, we actually have to plan our lives three years in advance. We sign in September (second month of the school year) for the next one or two school years. We have to think way ahead.
We really considered a one-year contract. Leave when Christian and Mackenzie graduate. Go back to the States to at least be closer to them.
Yet, as we prayed, there was no peace. I prayed a lot. I would say that I prayed as much or almost as much as I did about the contract renewal after my father passed away. Many people told me after my father died that my mom needed me and that I should move back. I prayed and prayed. God made it clear that it was not His plan.
It hurt not to be there for Mom, but she knew that I was following God’s will. She was a faithful woman, and to say she didn’t miss us would be untrue. She missed us every day. But, she knew that we were following God’s plan, and although she would want us to be with her, she would NOT want us to turn from the path God had for us.
Back to Guam, I just couldn’t feel peace at signing a one-year contract. I had no idea why. I told Larry how I felt one day near the end of our trip. He had been praying, and he felt the exact same way. It was decided. A two-year contract, a contract that would end one year after the kids graduate.
I felt instant peace. I did not know what God had planned, but I trusted.
Over the past two years, as we’ve done all of the ‘lasts’, the last (and only) Grade 11 retreat, the last volleyball season, the last basketball season, the last band concert, and the last day of class where I would teach my own children, there have been so many tears. But also joy. If it wasn’t so wonderful, it wouldn’t be so sad to let go of, right?
But, at the start of this year, a huge curve ball. Larry’s Dad, who seemed to be in much better health than my mom who had come off of life support twice, went into the hospital. Larry went back to Florida right after Christian and Mackenzie’s senior year began.
And then, the surprise…his Dad went downhill quickly. It was so unexpected. In an incredibly short period of time, Larry’s Dad was gone, and Christian, Mackenzie, and I were headed to Florida. We landed in Florida, post-hurricane with no electricity at Larry’s mom’s house.
The next 62 hours were a blur and then we found ourselves back on a plane to Korea. It was a hard trip, and we all felt keenly the loss of Grandpa Wade.
Dropping back into Korea, life went back into fast forward…especially since we had missed an entire week.
Two days after Christian and Mackenzie’s 18th birthday in late November, I would find out that my heart, like my mom’s, defaults to a heart eurythmia. Stress-related. Apparently my brain sends a signal too early, and my nervous system fires too soon and hits the heart in the wrong place, causing an eurythmia.
Moderate exercise and mild medication were the prescribed treatment. Over the next month, it seemed I was getting better, but stress clearly triggered my heart.
And, then, January 7, 2018, just four months after Grandpa Wade, my mom passed away. Once again, I would hop on a plane to Florida. This time, I would be alone and my family would follow in a few days.
While I am so grateful for all of the ‘extra’ time I had had with mom, getting her back not once but twice off life support, it was hard to know she was gone. A woman with so much love and light in her is missed. No matter how happy I am that she is rejoicing in heaven, I miss her hugs, her smile, her “Gail” said with such joy, and her sweet “I love you forever” words.
Yet, as I worked in her apartment, helped prepare the picture boards for the funeral, and cried with family and friends, I was doing well.
And then midnight, on January 10…Larry called. Their flight was cancelled. They wouldn’t be in for the viewing the next day. I told them it was okay and that God was with me. I told them that if they couldn’t’ come, it would be okay.
I told myself it was okay.
But then I couldn’t sleep. Jet lag, grief, worry about getting Mom’s apartment done and then hurrying back to Korea. Stress. I couldn’t sleep. If I couldn’t sleep then I couldn’t be superwoman and help my brother and sister-in-law get mom’s apartment cleaned out and be there to support my mother-in-law, Becky, who was still grieving the loss of her spouse. I couldn’t be strong through the pain. And then it happened. I triggered.
When my heart goes into eurythmia, I become pretty much incapacitated. If I try to do much, I run the risk of a heart attack.
So, I went out and told Becky that morning, I messaged my friends to pray, and then I went to sleep. I stayed in bed most of the day only getting up to eat the lunch Becky made for me.
I stayed in bed all day, praying that God’s will be done in regard to my family. If they weren’t going to make it, I was going to trust God to give me strength.
God did give me strength and I went to the viewing that night. I acted as normal as possible, grieving the loss of my mom, crying with those who cried, soaking up every word that friends shared about mom. It was a beautiful evening.
Larry, Christian, and Mackenzie were on their way. They would get in 2 hours before the funeral was set to start. My dear friend and sister-in-law, Eileen, offered to pick them up and bring them halfway, and my dear friend, Julie’s, step-Dad offered to bring them the rest of the way, because they were both worried about me being able to drive in my condition. God provided.
My family rolled in at 9:00am, I pressed some of their clothes, and we rolled out and were at the church by 10:00am for the funeral.
Amazing. God gives us what we need in the time we need it.
So, what does all of that have to do with us staying?
I cannot imagine that in the middle of helping our children transition to college and America after 15 years in Korea, losing a most-beloved father and grandfather, and losing a most-beloved mother and grandma, that Larry and I would be able to sell everything we own here, look for new jobs, and transition ourselves after 15 years living here in Korea.
God knew that it was not the time. He had a plan. And it was good!
I would not be able to sit here in Taechon Beach, Korea, looking out over the ocean knowing that He has it all under control. I would be running around and certainly not stopping to enjoy this retreat where my kids are volunteering.
God knows what I need, and He always knows what lies ahead. I can’t see the future, but I know it is in His hands.
So while I cried in a coffee shop writing the beginning of this post, I sit here rejoicing by the ocean as I finish.
What about Christian and Mackenzie? They are so ready. They are grieving, too. But isn’t that beautiful? That these two teenagers love mom and dad and our life together that they are sad to leave us? Isn’t that the way we would want it? Rather than them being anxious to get as far away from us as possible, isn’t it awesome that they love their mom and dad that much?
And, as for their transition to America, God has provided a family who loves them and considers them family. God placed the Hill family here in Korea for a brief two years. Although it was an incredibly short time, God gave us life-long friends who love our children and have offered their home as a ‘home-away-from-home’. When American Thanksgiving rolls around, our kids do not have to sit alone in a dorm or restaurant, they have a family that will include them. When tough times hit, they have a family willing to be there for them.
As a mom I could not ask for a better place for my kids to be than a top-notch Christian university surrounded by people who love them and are ready to help them boldly walk into adulthood.
I cannot be more blessed, and I thank God that He had a plan for their entire lives, not just the last two.
God, Your ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:9). You know the future, you have a plan, and it is good (Jeremiah 29:11). I praise you that you have blessed Larry and me with two of the most wonderful children that we could ever ask for. They have had such rich experiences their lives, and we have gotten to experience incredible moments with them that we will always treasure. I praise You that You knew that we needed to be grounded this year, not uprooting our lives, so that we could enjoy these final months with Christian and Mackenzie in our home.
Thank You, Heavenly Father. I praise You with a heart overflowing with love and thankfulness, and I know that every good and perfect gift is from above! (James 1:17)